The reason I haven’t been writing and I need to apologize.

I think we can all agree that there’s a lot more going on in our lives behind social media. It would be excessive recording every second… I’m not at the Kardashian level yet. Posting just the exciting moments is much more easy.

I find myself realizing how a lot of my generation loves to have a voice and to be heard, myself included. I think that’s fantastic! My concern is what we’re choosing to say… what I’m choosing to say.  

So far in my blog I’ve posted passive topics. Writing’s I don’t have to be vulnerable in.

I play it safe.

Even my Instagram paints a picture of a life that isn’t honest. I’m sorry. I mainly post when I’m hurting the most. The “likes” make me feel noticed still. I can’t help but feeling that I’m not alone in this.

Therefore, the reason I stopped writing after an incredible journalism program, is because I was hurting. I spent a year living a dream. Traveling, exploring, and meeting new people. Along with that was my mental health slipping and still not being taken care of. If you’ve met me, you probably realize how stubborn I am when it comes to receiving help. Well this past few months I’ve needed a lot of help. I’ve leaned completely on my friends and family.

The deepest truth to why I stopped writing is because before I came home to Canada, I was sexually assaulted. This made my mental health crash. I feel my heart drop even just writing this. I’m still ashamed, angry even. I wanted to post about my thrilling travel facts and be an advocate for solo female travel.

Instead I now can be an advocate for something much more pressing.

Every time I open-up about the experience, the person I’m talking to either has a close friend or has had a similar experience themselves.

I stopped writing because any spare time is usually spent curled up in blankets. I don’t like this reality of having this experience that I can’t change but instead has changed me. I didn’t write because I knew any surface level post, would make me remain hiding, ashamed.

What got me to finally start writing again? After I said how shocked I am about how common this is, one of my co-workers who has experienced sexual assault first hand stated a comment .

She said, “Everyone has faced it, almost everyone”… She’s right.

1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men in Canada have faced sexual assault. This isn’t uncommon. Yet we mainly hear about this topic when it involves celebrities or politicians. Not close to home. I’m so sorry if you’ve been hurt this way. 

I told my co-worker that “I think I must write about it”. “You need to write about it”, she said.

I don’t want to. I don’t want this to seem like a cry for help and a way to seem like a victim. I don’t want people looking at me different. I’m doing okay. I’m alive and safe.

Regardless, what I do know is how isolating and alone you feel after facing assault.

That’s why I’m now writing. In future posts I promise to stop being fake. I don’t like seeing how superficial I’ve been this past year. Everyone appreciates truth and not feeling alone.

So thank you for taking the time to read this post. If you want to comment, message me, or share, please feel more than welcome. More to come!

With love, 

Deanna

4 thoughts on “The reason I haven’t been writing and I need to apologize.

  1. You’re not alone! I was a victim as well! God was definitely my life line, after many years of trying to deal with it myself. Rhank you for sharing!

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  2. Deanna, thank you for opening up and letting us see such a personal, sad and dark moment in your life. By sharing this, it really makes everyone else that has been sexually assaulted feel less alone.
    When I moved to my new city I wanted to be extroverted and make friends and not isolate myself. Just like being a solo traveller, I came here solo and the same thing happened to me. It’s a terrible, lonely feeling. Especially when all you are doing is wanting to enjoy all that life has to offer and make friends and explore new places.
    I am sending so much love to you. I am thinking of you. You are not alone.

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  3. Deanna! I miss you. I am very proud of you. Opening up and talking about your assault. When it’s very hard to do. I kept quiet about mine for years. It wasn’t until recently that I too opened up about what happen to me to a very close friend. I hadn’t told anyone before. And it was only because of my daughter. I was trying to explain that I need to teach her. I was her age when it started. I just feel like if I give her the knowledge about her body, what is right and wrong. Maybe I can stop it from happening to her.

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